REVIEW
Dale Carnegie (1888-1955) was an author and a creator of courses on self-improvement, public speaking, corporate training, etc. His most acclaimed book, How to Win Friends & Influence People, was first published in 1936 and remains popular today. The book focused on changing another person's behavior by changing one's own behavior toward them. It was divided into four parts: handling people, making them like me, winning them over to my way of thinking, and changing them without arousing resentment. In each part, a number of principles was presented. As proof and applications of the principles in the real world, Carnegie recounted examples from his personal experience, anecdotes of students who took his classes, and stories of historical figures from his research. One of the first on the subject of self-help, this book was as influential as it was successful, with more than 30 million copies sold to date.
I first bought the book in 2001, lost it before I could finish it, and bought another copy in 2004. Took me about 13 years, but I can finally say I've read the book. The long time speaks more to my lack of motivation to read it than the quality of its content. As a matter of fact, the book is written in a simple language that's easy to read and understand. The stories are interesting to follow. There're also some great quotations, of which I'm a sucker for, from famous people. Dividing the content into parts and principles works fairly well, but with 30 principles total, a handful cover similar grounds, so some of the later materials start to sound very familiar to the earlier stuff. I mean, how many ways are there, really, to teach someone to treat others nicely? Some tightening up, perhaps, would've been beneficial. The book mainly targets professionals, as most examples are about how we deal with employees, coworkers, and bosses. But human-to-human interactions are so pervasive in our daily lives that these lessons are probably useful to all of us, except the most reclusive.
Since the book was written long ago, some of its materials had become common sense by modern standard. Who doesn't know that everyone likes to feel important? In fact, a few things aren't as applicable today anymore. For example, one of the principles to win someone over is to get them to say "yes" ASAP. But, these days we're so accustomed of being sold to that if a stranger tries to get us to say "yes", we immediately think they're trying to sell something and put the wall up. Today's negotiators actually recommend getting people to say a string of "no" first to make them feel safe, since an early "yes" is just a false agreement. Regardless, most of the book's teachings are still valid, and, it's one thing to know the right thing to do, it's quite another to actually do it. Only way to really make the lessons part of our core is to review and practice them frequently.
However, while it probably won't take me 13 years each time to review the book, re-reading the whole thing is still a hassle. So I've put together this post to distill the book to its essence, for easy review later. It's mostly for my own benefits, but if others find it helpful, all the better.
DISCLAIMER
The following summary and notes are my interpretation of the book's lessons. As much as I try to be objective, I can't help but be limited by my own life experience. What's important to me may not be important to you. For example, I've only included a selective few of the quotations that I think illustrate the principles well. You may disagree and prefer others.
I take notes in a succinct form, skipping words like "the" and "a". My notes don't read like full sentences, they aren't. I also paraphrase quite a bit. This post should only serve as a starting point to get you interested and familiar with the subject matter. To truly internalize the materials, I recommend you read the book, make your own notes, review, and practice.
Since the book's debut in 1936, there was a major revision in 1981, and another in 2011. Obviously, having purchased the book in 2004, my notes are on the 1981 edition. The 2011 revision is titled How to Win Friends and Influence People in the Digital Age, and it covers how the principles are applied to the digital age. I've not read that edition.
SUMMARY
Use these principles when interacting with others to get them to like me and do what I want. Not manipulative; must be genuine and sincere. Don't expect these to always work, but they increase likelihood. Most principles adhere Golden Rule: "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."
Be friendly, smile, and listen. Make them feel important by showing respect and appreciation. Be interested in them, talk about their stories using their name, and not about me. Empathize. Praise their accomplishments, big and small. Explain how their wants align with my goals, ask questions instead of giving orders, and let them participate in decision making and idea ownership.
Don't argue, never tell them directly they're wrong. On other hand, if I'm at fault, admit quickly and emphatically. Don't criticize, but if must, precede with praise, call attention to mistake indirectly, show vulnerability by stating my own mistakes, give them reputation to live up to, and emphasize on things done right while minimizing fault.
Sometimes need to employ dramatic techniques (such as using props) or throw challenge to get point across. Don't overpromise, and be clear what I need from them.
PRINCIPLES
* Not necessarily exact phrasings used in the book.
Part 1: Techniques in Handling People
Principle 1: Don't criticize, condemn, or complain.
Principle 2: Give honest and sincere appreciation.
Principle 3: Arouse in other person eager want.
Part 2: 6 Ways to Make People Like Me
Principle 1: Become genuinely interested in other people.
Principle 2: Smile.
Principle 3: Most important sound to someone is their name.
Principle 4: Be good at listening. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
Principle 5: Talk in terms of other person's interests.
Principle 6: Sincerely make other person feel important.
Part 3: How to Win People to My Way of Thinking
Principle 1: Only way to get best of argument is to avoid it.
Principle 2: Show respect for other person's opinions. Never say, "You're wrong."
Principle 3: If I'm wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
Principle 4: Begin in friendly way.
Principle 5: Get other person saying "yes, yes" immediately.
Principle 6: Let them do most talking.
Principle 7: To get cooperation, let them feel idea is theirs.
Principle 8: Try honestly to see things from other person's point of view.
Principle 9: Be sympathetic with other person's ideas and desires.
Principle 10: Appeal to nobler motives.
Principle 11: Dramatize my ideas.
Principle 12: If nothing else works, throw down a challenge.
Part 4: Be a Leader - How to Change People without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment
Principle 1: If I must find fault, begin with honest praise and appreciation.
Principle 2: Call attention to their mistake indirectly.
Principle 3: Talk about my own mistakes before criticizing other.
Principle 4: No one likes to take orders. Ask questions.
Principle 5: Let other person save face.
Principle 6: Spur people on to success by praising every and slightest improvement.
Principle 7: Give other person fine reputation to live up to.
Principle 8: Use encouragement to make fault seem easy to correct.
Principle 9: Always make other person happy to do thing I suggest.
NOTES
To get most out of book:
- Develop strong desire to master principles of human relations.
- Skim chapter quickly, then read in details, before going to next chapter.
- As I read, stop frequently to think how I can apply concept to my situation.
- Make notes. Underscore important ideas.
- Review book every month.
- Apply at every opportunity. Knowledge used sticks in mind.
- Make game. Every time friend catches me not following principles, I pay $1.
- Do weekly review of mistakes I've made, what I've learned.
- Keep notes on how I've applied these principles. Be specific.
Part 1: Techniques in Handling People
Principle 1: Don't criticize, condemn, or complain.
People don't criticize themselves, so criticizing others is futile - puts them on defensive and makes them justify themselves. Wounds pride, hurts sense of importance, and arouses resentment.
Rewarded for good behavior learns more effectively than punished for bad behavior. Criticizing doesn't make lasting changes. People thirst for approval but dread condemnation.
Criticisms are like homing pigeons. They always return home.
Lincoln: "With malice toward none, with charity for all."
Benjamin Franklin: "I will speak ill of no man, and speak all the good I know of everybody."
Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain — and most fools do. But it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving.
Instead of criticizing, more profitable to understand and figure out why they do what they do. Breeds sympathy, tolerance, and kindness.
Principle 2: Give honest and sincere appreciation.
Only way to make anyone do anything is to make them want to do it. Threat has undesirable repercussions. Give them what they want — desire to be important.
What most people want: health, food, sleep, money, afterlife, sex, well-being of children, and feeling of importance. All except last one are usually satisfied.
Everyone likes compliment. William James: "The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated." Distinguishes mankind and animals.
Drives achievements. How one gets feeling of importance determines one's character. Some even become invalids or go insane to get it.
Charles Schwab: "I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among my people the greatest asset I possess, and the way to develop the best that is in a person is by appreciation and encouragement. There is nothing else that so kills the ambitions of a person as criticisms from superiors. I never criticize anyone. I believe in giving a person incentive to work. So I am anxious to praise but loath to find fault. If I like anything, I am hearty in my appreciation and lavish in my praise."
Average people bawl out subordinates if they don't like something, say nothing if they like it.
People do greater work under spirit of approval than criticism. Sincere appreciation of assistants was key to success of Andrew Carnegie and John D. Rockefeller.
Crime to let someone have no food for six days, but would let them go much longer without appreciation that they crave almost as much. Nourishment for self-esteem.
Appreciation not flattery. Comes from heart, not teeth. Unselfish.
Principle 3: Arouse in other person eager want.
Bait hook to suit fish. Everyone interested in what they want. Only way to influence people is to talk about what they want and show them how to get it.
Harry A. Overstreet: "Action springs out of what we fundamentally desire... First, arouse in the other person an eager want. He who can do this has the whole world with him. He who cannot walks a lonely way."
Before persuading someone, ask myself, "How can I make this person want to do it?"
Henry Ford: "If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person's point of view and see things from that person's angle as well as from your own."
Don't state what I want. Focus on their wants. Customers like to feel they're buying, not being sold.
Most people are grabbing and self-seeking. One who unselfishly serves others has advantage.
Not manipulating other to do something only for my benefit and their detriment. Each party should gain from negotiation.
William Winter: "Self-expression is the dominant necessity of human nature." When I have idea, let others cook and stir it themselves, regarding it as their own.
Part 2: 6 Ways to Make People Like Me
Principle 1: Become genuinely interested in other people.
Can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than in two years by trying to get people interested in me.
Alfred Adler: "It is the individual who is not interested in his fellow men who has the greatest difficulties in life and provides the greatest injuries to others. It is from among such individuals that all human failures spring."
To make friends, do things for other people that require time, energy, unselfishness, and thoughtfulness. Greet people with animation and enthusiasm.
Find out birthdays of friends. Put in calendar and send them wishes.
Publilius Syrus: "We are interested in others when they are interested in us."
Show of interest must be sincere. Must benefit both parties.
Principle 2: Smile.
Action speaks louder than words. Smile says, "I like you. You make me happy. I'm glad to see you."
Must come from within, not mechanical.
Even comes through phone.
Force myself if have to. Act as if I were already happy. Action doesn't just follow feeling, they go together.
Thinking about being happy, not outward condition, makes me happy. Shakespeare: "There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so."
Costs nothing. Brightens lives of all who see it.
Principle 3: Most important sound to someone is their name.
Remember and call name is effective compliment. Forget or misspell it is sharp disadvantage.
Most obvious way to make good will, makes people feel important.
Principle 4: Be good at listening. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
Listen intently. Listen because I'm genuinely interested.
Successful business intercourse - exclusive attention to person who's speaking, nothing's as flattering.
Activity, not silence. Sit erect, listen with not just ears but eyes. Listen with mind and attentively consider.
"I'm far more eager to hear this than you are to tell it."
Many don't listen attentively, much more concerned about what to say next.
Often when we're in trouble, hurt, or irritated, we don't want advice, we just want sympathetic listener.
People who talk only of themselves think only of themselves.
To be interesting, be interested. Ask questions others enjoy answering. Encourage them to talk about themselves and their accomplishments.
People are 100 times more interested in their wants and problems than in mine.
Principle 5: Talk in terms of other person's interests.
Royal road to person's heart is to talk about things they treasure most.
Principle 6: Sincerely make other person feel important.
Most important human-conduct law: Always make other person feel important.
Golden Rule: "Do unto others as you would have others do unto you."
Use phrases like oiling cogs of everyday life: "I'm sorry to trouble you." "Would you be so kind as to...?" "Won't you please?" "Would you mind?" "Thank you."
Almost all people feel themselves superior in some way, and sure way to their hearts is to let them realize their importance is recognized sincerely.
Disraeli: "Talk to people about themselves and they will listen for hours."
Part 3: How to Win People to My Way of Thinking
Principle 1: Only way to get best of argument is to avoid it.
Being argumentative makes other person uncomfortable and people around embarrassed. Most arguments end with both sides more convinced they're right. Even if I win, other person's pride's hurt and will resent me, so I still lose.
In arguments, one gets feeling of importance by asserting authority. If importance acknowledged, ego allowed to expand, becomes sympathetic and kind.
Buddha: "Hatred is never ended by hatred but by love." Misunderstanding is ended by tact, diplomacy, conciliation, and sympathy.
Lincoln: "Better give your path to a dog than be bitten by him... Even killing the dog would not cure the bite."
When argument arises, be thankful of other person; if we agree on everything, one of us isn't necessary. Refrain from being defensive and angry. Listen. Look for areas of agreement. Apologize for any error. Postpone action until both sides have time to consider each side carefully.
Even if I'm right, is price of winning worth it?
When both sides yell, there's no communication but noise. At least one side needs to listen.
Principle 2: Show respect for other person's opinions. Never say, "You're wrong."
Telling them they're wrong doesn't make them want to agree with me. Same as telling them I'm smarter. Makes them combative. To prove something, don't tell. Do it subtly.
Alexander Pope: "Men must be taught as if you taught them not. And things unknown proposed as things forgot."
Galileo: "You cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him to find it within himself."
Lord Chesterfield: "Be wiser than other people if you can; but do not tell them so."
Use phrases like "I may be wrong. I frequently am. Let's examine the facts."
Few are logical. We may admit mistakes to ourselves. If we're handled tactfully, may admit to others and even take pride in being frank.
Martin Luther King: "I judge people by their own principles — not by my own."
Jesus: "Agree with thine adversary quickly."
Principle 3: If I'm wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
When I condemn myself, other person, wanting to feel important, can only nourish self-esteem by showing mercy (and may even defend me). Easier to listen to self criticism than to bear condemnation from alien lips.
Any fool can defend his mistake, and most do.
"By fighting you never get enough, but by yielding you get more than you expected."
Principle 4: Begin in friendly way.
People don't want to change minds. Can't be forced to agree with me. But may be led to, if I'm friendly and gentle.
"A drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of gall."
Principle 5: Get other person saying "yes, yes" immediately.
Begin by emphasizing on things we agree. We want to stay consistent. Start in affirmation direction.
Let them talk themselves out. They know more about themselves and their problems, just ask questions. Don't interrupt. Listen sincerely.
La Rochefoucauld: "If you want enemies, excel your friends; but if you want friends, let your friends excel you."
Principle 7: To get cooperation, let them feel idea is theirs.
We put more faith in ideas we've discovered ourselves than those given to us.
We don't like feeling being sold something or told what to do. We prefer acting of own accord or being consulted.
Ralph Waldo Emerson: "In every work of genius we recognize our own rejected thoughts; they come back to us with a certain alienated majesty."
Laozi: "The reason rivers and seas receive the homage of a hundred mountain streams is that they keep below them... So the sage, wishing to be above men, putteth himself below them; wishing to be before them, he putteth himself behind them. Thus, though his place be above men, they do not feel his weight; though his place be before them, they do not count it an injury."
Principle 8: Try honestly to see things from other person's point of view.
Ferret out reason they act or think that way, and I have key to their action or even personality. How would I feel and react if I were in their shoes.
Everyone is much more interested in own affairs than in others'. Sympathetic grasp of other's point of view is solid foundation for interpersonal relationships.
Cooperativeness in conversation is achieved when I show that I consider their ideas and feelings as important as my own.
Have clear idea of what I'm going to say and what they're likely to answer, based on my knowledge of their interests and motives.
Principle 9: Be sympathetic with other person's ideas and desires.
"I don't blame you at all for how you feel. If I were you, I'd feel exactly the same."
People hunger for sympathy and love those who give it to them.
Principle 10: Appeal to nobler motives.
We usually have 2 reasons to do something: one that sounds good and the real one. We know real reason, no need to emphasize. To change someone, appeal to nobler motives that sound good.
Most want to be honest and fair, give them benefit of doubt.
Principle 11: Dramatize my ideas.
Merely stating truth isn't enough. Truth has to be made vivid, interesting, dramatic. Use showmanship.
Present data not with abstract charts and tables, but with physical props.
Principle 12: If nothing else works, throw down a challenge.
Way to get things done is to stimulate competition, in desire to excel.
"All men have fears, but the brave put down their fears and go forward, sometimes to death, but always to victory."
Successful people love the game, chance for self-expression, chance to prove their worth, to excel, to win, to feel important.
Part 4: Be a Leader - How to Change People without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment
Principle 1: If I must find fault, begin with honest praise and appreciation.
Praise and appreciation make them feel good and at ease. Easier to accept fault.
Principle 2: Call attention to their mistake indirectly.
Pointing out fault directly, even if preceded by praise, can be difficult to accept. In fact, "......, but " makes praise sound contrived. Instead, use and and change criticism to recommendation for improvement.
Lead by example also effective to call attention to their mistake.
Pointing out fault directly, even if preceded by praise, can be difficult to accept. In fact, "...
Lead by example also effective to call attention to their mistake.
Principle 3: Talk about my own mistakes before criticizing other.
Admit first that I, too, am far from impeccable. Won't be as difficult for other to hear their mistake.
Humble self, praise other.
Principle 4: No one likes to take orders. Ask questions.
Instead of "Do this or do that," ask, "Have you considered this?" or "Do you think that would work?" Saves their pride and gives them feeling of importance. Encourages cooperation instead of resistance.
Resentment caused by brash order can have big impact and last long time.
Asking questions invites them to participate in decision. Stimulates creativity.
Principle 5: Let other person save face.
If need to reprimand or discharge someone/employee, take minute to think about how to be considerate and show genuine understanding of other's situation.
Blame lack of experience, not ability.
Principle 6: Spur people on to success by praising every and slightest improvement.
Praise is more effective than criticism in changing other's behavior.
Few words of praise can sharply change one's future. Encourages one to maximize their potential.
Make praise specific. Too general sounds insincere.
Principle 7: Give other person fine reputation to live up to.
To improve someone's attitude or behavior, act as if that trait were already one of their characteristics (perhaps citing past accomplishments).
Shakespeare: "Assume a virtue, if you have it not."
Principle 8: Use encouragement to make fault seem easy to correct.
Praise things they do right and minimize their errors. Tell them they have natural flair. Makes them want to improve.
Principle 9: Make other happy to do as I suggest.
Make them feel important, provide incentive, suggest alternative (if turning down request), give title and authority (even if trivial).
To change attitude or behavior of other:
- Be sincere. Don't promise anything I can't deliver. Focus on benefits to them.
- Know exactly what I want other person to do.
- Be empathetic. What does other person really want.
- Consider benefits other person will receive upon completion.
- Match benefits to wants.
- When requesting, put it in form that conveys their personal benefits.
May not always get favorable results, but more likely when applied. Even 10% improvement is significant.
VERDICT
Must Re-read Monthly
Should be Reviewed Quarterly
Worth a Couple Reads
Worth a Read
Waste of Time
B+
P. S.
I also keep these notes in my Evernote. If people find that handy, I can share the Note.
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